Lily's Story Part 2
By: Lily Rose
A year ago today, I went to my first meeting. For me, it wasn't as simple as just hopping in the car and going. I am an addict and my brain likes to complicate simple things. My mind was full of “what if’s”.
What if I had to speak? What if I saw someone I knew? What if my addiction wasn't bad enough? What if my addiction was too bad? What if they knew I was high?
And the scariest of all - What if they could tell that I was broken, empty, and hopeless?
I was in denial about being hopeless. I had a serious case of “I've got this.” The terminal kind. In my mind, there was nothing those people had to offer me. Why would I want to sit in a church basement and talk about getting high? What could they do for me that I couldn't do for myself?
I had it all wrong.
God does for me what I cannot do for myself. This was a foreign concept to me a year ago. So were the Twelve Steps and spiritual principles. I smoked pot and listen to sitar music. Wasn't that spiritual?
They're still foreign to me, but today I have faith that they work if I put the work in. Looking back, it makes me laugh at all of the preconceived notions I had about recovery and living a program. I didn't know what I didn't know.
I sat through the meeting. We read the first chapter of the literature and the daily meditation. I felt like someone had been following me around writing a book on my life. I had this strange water forming in my eyes and I refused to let anyone see. But what was this feeling? I liked it. It was strong and I felt it in my whole body. I was suddenly very tired - like when you are in fight or flight mode and it takes everything out of you. I remember feeling the tension in my shoulders go away. I hadn't even noticed it was there before. But it was gone now.
Looking back, I can see now that I was experiencing an intense sense of relief.
After the meeting, everyone was talking and catching up. I wanted someone to come up and talk to me and I wanted to be left alone all at the same time. I only knew one person - the person who had brought me to the meeting. And she was talking with her sponsor. I didn't want to look like a loser so I went and hid in her car.
It took me a few minutes to let it all soak in. Maybe they were on to something.